As I opened my eyes on this day, my heart sunk right through to the back of my chest. I rose up to turn and lay on my side and I could feel my tears run down the side of my face into the pit of my ear. As I wiped them away more tears followed.
I was alone.
My hair was falling out. I hated my hair. I hated the way I looked. I hated my body.
I stopped going out to clubs. I stopped drinking. I stopped shopping and keeping my appearance up.
I even stopped modeling. I just didn’t feel pretty.
I stopped getting invited to events and get-togethers. I literally stopped showing up anyway.
I have the WORST relationship with sisters and brother. We haven't talked in years. And even when I have tried to be in their lives, they fault me for my flaws as if they are perfect. I still love them dearly though.
I've never had much support from my family as a whole and as a result, I have always considered myself a loner. I'm very independent and try not to depend on others.
I was like, “for what?”
I had no friends. I had no one to talk to. I couldn’t even call my worst enemy on this day.
I felt ashamed, cheated, abused, and betrayed. No one even noticed that I just wasn’t present anymore. I wasn’t missed.
No-one called to see how I was doing. Nobody checked on me. Nobody cared.
I was having an all-out war with my feelings and I didn’t know what else to do about it. I couldn’t cope.
The thoughts in my head were of the time I was physically abused as a child. I thought about the fact that I was so scared that I hid a knife under my pillow to protect myself. I remember the day I was abandoned and left outside.
I thought about the time I was almost raped in a dark alleyway at the age of twelve and got away. I couldn’t tell anyone, not even God.
I also thought about the time I was actually raped and violated years later. I thought about the day I had to stand up in court to face the coward who raped me. He reminds me of Trump which is why I refuse to have an opinion about anything he says and does. Our country is being raped also.
I thought about the day I was put into the custody of the state and moved around from shelter to foster home and back again.
I wish I had never aborted my second child. I refused to make the same mistake twice. Having two kids by different fathers just isn’t cute especially out of wedlock. Two baby-daddies? I refused to be having baby’s like that.
I remember when I became a baby-mama. You know, Fantasia, wrote a theme song about it. He made being a mother the worst experience for me. The constant fight for my child was too much.
The sad part is that I've been in hustle-mode ever since I became a mother. I have never stopped. As result of working all the time and trying to survive, I could never find enough time in a day to give my own daughter the time with me that she deserved. I often wondered if that made me a bad mother. I love her so much it hurts.
I'll never forget the time I ended up in a homeless shelter with my daughter. She was sick all the time from the donated food and I didn't have a job and all I knew how to do was hair but couldn't a place to work or afford booth rent.
These thoughts I was having just made me feel like I had been dealt a bad deck of cards.
It all hurt.
I didn’t want to be here under those circumstances. I felt the only solution to my problem was to make my feelings go away so I could no longer feel them.
You know, like when you-you forget to wear your earmuffs and can’t feel your ears anymore after you’ve been out in the cold weather to long. I wanted to numb the pain I felt.
The thing is, running away from problems wasn’t going to make my situation better. I was stuck in a place that I just didn’t think I could ever get out of. My mindset was off on so many levels.
I didn’t think it would ever get better.
As lay in that bed suddenly my room became very bright and it was filled with light through my window.
Something came over me. “God are you here?”, I asked.
I got up out and kneeled at the side of my bed to pray. I closed my eyes, held my hands together and bowed my head.
I asked God “Is it wrong to want to die?” The room went silent. All I could hear was the light rumbling of my AC flowing through my house.
Me wanting to die and escape from my suffering, whether emotional or physical, was a very human condition.
Even the Lord Jesus Christ prayed, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me nevertheless not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39).
Jesus knew what was going to happen him at the cross, but he submitted to God’s will. In all things, Jesus submitted Himself to the will of the Father (John 5:30).
I realize during that moment of silence that there are times when it is necessary to suffer, and Jesus willingly suffered because it was the will of the Father.
I submitted to the will of God because I know that out of everyone who loves me, he loves the most and will never forsake me nor leave me.
As God’s children, we are always to pray, “Your Will be done.” None of us will die before it is our time, even if we want to die.
All our days are planned out by God and nothing will shorten them outside of God’s will: “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16).
Rather than praying to die, it is better to pray for God's strength and grace to stand fast in whatever suffering we are experiencing and trust in God to determine the time and the details of our passing.
Suffering is hard, and sometimes the hardest part is the questions we have about why. Suffering is humbling, and as people, we don't like being humbled or weak and dependent. But when we ask, “Why me, Lord?” the answer may just be “Why not you?”
When we suffer on this earth, God has a purpose for that suffering, and his plans and purposes are perfect and holy, just as he is perfect and holy.
Whenever you find that you are under the intense pressure of suffering and feel like you simply can’t go on any longer be reminded that there is no suffering or trial that comes upon us that someone else hasn’t gone through before us.
Others have suffered pain that could not be alleviated by modern medicine.
Others have suffered persecution and hideous deaths at the hands of haters.
Others have been lonely and abandoned like I have been, some bashed for speaking out about their truth.
So we are certainly not alone. But God is always faithful, and he will not allow us to suffer or be tested above what we can withstand and will also make a way to escape so that we are able to bear up under it (1 Corinthians 10:13).
If you have ever found yourself feeling like this and thinking that death is your only option, pray. God hears your prayers.
The day I woke up feeling like I wanted to kill myself was very random and unexpected.
On that same day, I submitted to God because I am a believer that all things are possible through Jesus Christ.
Things have gotten better since then but no one’s life is perfect.
I'm a better mother. She smiles more.
I don’t have a whole bunch of people calling me to check on me and I can count the number of people I can call friends on one hand.
I still don’t go out much and I don’t have a closet full of luxurious clothes either. I model from time to time now.
The amount of money in my bank account isn’t where I want it to be but I’m working on it. HARD.
I’m just grateful that I am still here and I get to live my life on purpose. I realize now that only God can choose my destiny. He walks right beside me daily and remains the head of my life.
Allow him to be the head of your life too.